American comics make merry on Kerry

<div class="section1"><div class="Normal"><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">WASHINGTON: John Kerry is so dull and boring that ''''he has the charisma of a retired mortician.'''' John Kerry can ''''make a firefight in Vietnam sound like a mathematics text book.'''' He''s a sort of candidate who ''''needs to be reminded to smile.''''</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">The American Presidential election is shaping up to be a contest between dumb and dull.While George Bush''s lack of grey matter has been the butt of jokes for years, John Kerry has overnight acquired the reputation of being so dull and wooden that he is being called ''''Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.''''</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">Comedians and cartoonists are feasting on Kerry''s wooden personality, which was never an issue during his nearly two decades as a Senator. Not even his choice of the engaging John Edwards as a running mate is rescuing the Massachusetts from the slings and arrows of the media. Even the staid Economist ribbed the Democratic candidate this week, saying he can ''''put a hummingbird into a coma.''''</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">Late night shows have been skewering Kerry so bad that for once, Bush, cannon fodder for stand up comics for the past four years, must be feeling good.</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">From Jay Leno: ''''John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn''t show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality.''''</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">Although polls show Bush''s rating falling sharply, the comic world is suggesting that Kerry’s vapid personality may still lose the election for him. ''''Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, ''How am I gonna beat this guy?'''''' wondered David Letterman. </span><br /><br /></div> </div><div class="section2"><div class="Normal"><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">''''Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages,'''' taunted Leno.</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">The media is not even sparing Kerry lugubrious looks. </span><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="" font-style:="" italic="">The Economist</span><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:=""> said Kerry looks like a portrait of himself by Edvard Munch (a Norwegian expressionist painter known for his symbolic portrayal of misery and death). </span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">And Leno, he of the rock jaw looks, wondered: ''''The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 per cent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?''''</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">Some of the cruellest jokes have centered around the fact that Kerry has married into great wealth (his wife Teresa is heiress to the Heinz ketchup fortune). </span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="" font-style:="" italic="">Shrek 2</span><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:=""> made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked </span><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="" font-style:="" italic="">Shrek</span><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:=""> to marry him,'''' ribbed Conan O''Brien. ''''Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. He''s going to put it on his wife''s Gold Card,'''' quipped Craig Kilborn. </span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">And from the inimitable Leno: Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.</span><br /><br /><span style="" font-family:="" arial="" font-size:="">In all this roasting, Kerry''s distinguished record as a US Senator for 19 years has been totally overshadowed. Comics are doubting his conviction on issues. ''''The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many enemies,'''' quipped Leno.</span></div> </div>