How to make friends as you grow older

If good friends are important in your growing years, they become a critical crutch as you grow older and have more time on your hands. 

When my father passed, we found a diary with a list that went on for several pages, naming friends who had died. At first, it seemed a bit morbid. But then I thought of what each friend’s passing meant to him. With every friend who died, Papa lost a bit of himself. There was the friend with whom he relived childhood memories; the one he revisited college days with, reliving the pain of a close friend’s suicide; another with whom he discussed books, politics and the state of the nation. Most were his friends from the early years, some he had collected later during his days as a bureaucrat, but the number of new friend additions kept diminishing as he grew older. This is true for all of us.

Making friends is not easy in adulthood. If you have not been careful, you may have lost touch with all childhood friends as well. Or, they may all have evolved in different directions, leaving nothing in common to connect over anymore. And, new friends are few and far between. As children, we are thrown together, engaged in the same activities, pursuing the same goals. But, as we grow older, we are individuals working with people at different stages of life and with different goals, often at variance. Office environs are not really breeding grounds for good friendships, particularly as we climb up ranks and stakes become higher, and competition fiercer. And apart from office, well, where is the time to invest in new friendships?

Childhood friendships are simple, honest and unfiltered, but as we grow older our friendships become measured, often shaped by convenience, calculation or even necessity. Adults weigh their words, navigate unspoken expectations, or even consider social standing. In short, adult friendships are subtly influenced by image and status. How can these relationships thrive with such unspoken complexities? 

Is then the failure of adult friendships inevitable? Well, not necessarily, so long as we are willing to put in a conscious effort and make an emotional investment. Friends no longer fall into our laps as we grow up – now we need to be on the lookout for like-minded individuals, step up and claim friendships, look for common meeting grounds, and prioritise meaningful interactions. 

In her book The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins talks about three pillars that make great friendships possible –– Proximity, Timing and Energy. Robbins says that when friends drift away, lose touch or fall out, most of the time it is because one of these three is missing.

Proximity is important of course, because the more you see someone, the better you get to know them. Timing refers to the stage of life you are at — people passing through a similar phase have more to relate to and talk about. Robbins’ third pillar is energy – you click with some people, while with others you just don’t seem to connect — and energy shifts over time.

Some of the barriers to forming friendships in adulthood are time constraints, decreased opportunities, social inertia and a fear of rejection. Here is what you can do to gain friends!

• Look for people with whom you can be yourself, those who can see the real you and relate. Honesty is the first prerequisite for a lasting friendship.  Close on its heels come mutual respect and shared values. 
• Friendships require nurturing. Try and plan meet-ups. If not, then small gestures like a call, a message or a small token of remembrance can go a long way in assuring your friends you are thinking of them, and ensure they think of you too. Love is reciprocal!
• True friendships happen when we drop all pretense and barriers, and show our honest, vulnerable selves to each other.  Share your vulnerabilities. Status and image are of no consequence to true connection.
• When (potential) friends call, agree to attend group meets, parties, book clubs or lunches and dinners. Once you overcome the initial hesitation, you will invariably end up enjoying the outing and the resultant closeness. 
• Try to pick up the threads of old friendships. You may not be able to get back on the same foothold, but on the other hand, what if you are able to do so? 
• Throw your friend-net far and wide — it is nice to have several friends for several reasons. You can have as many friends as you like, although there will always be 3 or 4 who will be closest to you. 

Blessed are those friendships that carry on to the next world! My father’s last words as he left this world were, “My friends…” as he looked ahead almost like he saw them. Did he see his friends waiting to greet and help him gently into the afterlife? I do hope so.